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The Daily Doom Opinion July 18, 2008
A picture of the supposed sasquatch is pictured off to the left.
July 11, 2008One of the most talked about fights in our current round of the Tournament of Doom is the fight between the Freaking Raptor and Mike Patterson, with his assistant Robin. Lately I have been often hearing the phrase “But it’s the FREAKING RAPTOR” as a reason why the raptor wins its fights. While this is a true statement, it does not constitute a valid argument in support of the Raptor. It is the goal of this article to put all the information before you, the voting public of the Tournament of Doom so that you can make an educated decision. Let’s begin by looking at the competitors. Firstly, we have the Raptor. Raptors are around six feet long, and about two feet tall at the hip. This means that raptor standing straight up on its hind legs, rather than on four, would be under six feet tall, probably somewhere around five feet tall, because the tail accounts for a good chunk of raptor length. Raptors have three claws on each ‘hand’, including one special claw designed for slashing and disemboweling. In the case of the Freaking Raptor, the claws will be occupied by running the steamroller, which was given to the Freaking Raptor in this year’s Tournament of Doom. But is the steamroller actually a help, or is it more of a hindrance? Steamrollers are remarkably, incredibly, slow moving vehicles. The raptor itself is pretty speedy, but on that steamroller life slows to a crawl. The roller may have been effective against Hannah Montana, but in a real, honest to goodness fight, it has the potential to become more of a hindrance than a help. Also, how smart is the Raptor, really? Let’s all remember this is the dinosaur who managed to wreck the regeneration machine. Let’s look at Mike Patterson now. Mike once roamed the halls of Luther College much like yourselves – he was a student here at Upward Bound. For those of you who haven’t met Mike, let me tell you that he is a lovable kind of guy – but he’s got a competitive streak a mile wide. Also, Mike is over six foot tall, and a very big guy. In addition to his size, Mike has on his side the advantage of studying with Yoda for TWO. Also, Mike has two lightsabers, and the training to use them. Let’s also not forget Mike’s sidekick, Robin (also known as “The Boy Wonder”), from Batman and Robin fame. Robin may not be Batman, but he’s no wimp and a pretty good fighter in his own right – or he wouldn’t be allowed to work with Batman. July 9, 2008 The Kung-Fu Cassowary will destroy the Uruk-hai warriors. He just will; how can you say no to a giant bird that drop-kicks people? “You Can’t”. Come on, hundreds of Uruk-hai have been killed by a midget with an ax (Gimli). So how they even beat hogzilla in the first place is beyond me. It had to have been luck, but even with luck there’s no way the Uruk-hai are going to win. The cassowary is going to drop-kick Uruk-hai into the force field and they’ll turn to dust. That’s how Kung-Fu Cassowary will destroy the Uruk-hai. July 7, 2008 I supported Sweeny Todd against Yoshi and Horton because that was just common sense. Sweeny Todd had to win over an emotional elephant and an animated dinosaur. But this next match is a tough one I haven’t even decided yet. Sweeny Todd is the masked murderer with a razor blade and Electra with her daggers. “Man This Is Tough”. But I am starting leaning toward Electra with her daggers. Electra might win because she can throw her daggers and kill Sweeny from twenty yards away, but on the other hand if she misses she’ll be defenseless against Sweeny’s razor. So I give up. I don’t know who will win; it could go either way, in multiple scenarios. So the Daggers or the Razor? Once again it’s up to you!
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A Sasquatch was spotted outside of Luther College's Olson Dorms. Nick 'Flash-Flood' Flood is seeking aid in capturing the fierce beast. Apparently Bear Grylls has volunteered to help him.
