July 18, 2008FINAL FIGHT TONIGHT!Tonight will bring to a close yet another edition of the Tournament of Doom, and it has been a memorable one. From cinderella daemon barbers to majestic armored polar bears to one feisty flamethrowing candlestick, rarely has a Tournament of Doom been so exciting and surprising. The venues may close down for the summer, but we’re all already looking forward to Tournament of Doom VIII.
Flash-Flood Responsible for the Theft of Gate EarningsAnd in breaking news, Tournament of Doom co-chairmen Darth Vader and Captain America today announced the results of an investigation into the theft of gate earnings at three TOD venues. Security cameras from the arenas proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the culprit was none other the writer and editor of the tabloid newspaper The Daily Doom, Nick Flood. It turns out Flood (a.k.a., “Flash Flood,”) had been distracting people by publishing outrageous lies and inflammatory innuendo in the Daily Doom. While the TOD world found themselves immersed in the scandals promoted by his newspaper, Flood would sneak into TOD box offices and abscond with the daily earnings. Given that the TOD uses admission fees to pay for competitor’s lunches and to help needy children all around the world, Darth Vader and Captain America had no problem rounding up all of this and the previous year’s competitors to form a posse and relentlessly chase Flood across North America. A newly regenerated Shreds the Freakin’ Raptor is leading the angry mob. “Flood’s reign of terror is over,” Captain America announced at the press conference. “Through his actions he has lost the faith of his readers, who from now on, based on the clear evidence, should never believe a single word he says about the Tournament of Doom.” “Flood has only been about propaganda,” said TOD Councilmember Jason Stonerook. “And propaganda has no place in the Tournament of Doom.” July 17, 20082008 TOP TEN TOURNAMENT OF DOOM MISHAPS10. Agitated cassowary mistaken for San Diego Chicken and brought to Major League Baseball All-Star Game, where he disembowels five bat boys. 9. Hannah Montana agrees to blind date arranged by Skeletor only to discover her date is a knife-wielding Chucky. 8. Pac-Man files for divorce after scandalous pictures emerge of Ms. Pac-Man and beau Eli Pollock. 7. Sweeny Todd talks both Horton and Yoshi into sitting still for a haircut during their actual matches; doubly amazing since Yoshi is a reptile and lacks hair. 6. Conan the Barbarian inadvertently calls Miss Piggy “Hogzilla” and is quickly taught by Piggy that his entire body fits inside Hogzilla’s large intestine. 5. During training operations for the Death Star’s death ray, Darth Vader orders gunners to target Toucan Sam and blast him out of the sky. The powerful blast clips Sam’s wing while obliterating most of upstate New York. 4. Baby Bop mistakes on-field announcer Dave Hunt for her first round competitor Captain Caveman and cold cocks Hunt into la-la land. 3. Despite renting raptor-proof pay toilets, the Freakin’ Raptor still manages to lock himself inside port-a-potty. Pandemonium ensues. 2. Rather than using flame resistant coating, Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear accidentally applies lighter fluid to fur before fight with Lumiere. 1. (Car batteries + opossum carcasses + radioactive goo + Frankenberry corpse + the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man) + Nick Flood + Regeneration Machine = Monster Flood.
July 16, 2008Flash-Flood! Shortly after Flash-Flood Made these comments the Tournament of Doom news camera crew cought footage of Flash-Flood brutaly beating Barney to death with a chair. The T.O.D News still has no reports of the bodies of the Freakin' Raptor or Barney . Flash-Flood's comments on the matter Where this “Well, I've always cared fore the earth very much. That's why I've decided to recycle by burying them in the Green Bay Packers in-zone and in time they will become fossil fuel fore future generations, and the Raptor's carcass sinked” 2008 TOD Hall of Fame Inductees AnnouncedThe Tournament of Doom Council is proud to announce the 2008 inductees into the Tournament of Doom Hall of Fame. Those people are:
Captain America—The winner of Tournament of Doom VI: The Catastrophening, Captain America brought honor and dignity to the Tournament of Doom in its darkest hour. Just when funding for the TOD was placed in jeopardy, Cap emerged triumphant to affirm the high standing that justice and democracy hold in society. The following year, Captain America would join Darth Vader as co-chairman of the Tournament of Doom.
Groundskeeper Willie—There is not a more thankless job than Tournament of Doom
Sarah Schlee—Who is Sarah Schlee, the unassuming young woman who possesses a singular ability desired by many? What exactly is the nature of her power? She is the only person who can make the Freakin’ Raptor cower in fear or flee the scene of a fight. If the Raptor wasSuperman, Schlee would be kryptonite. Team Raptor Force (The Freakin’ Raptor, Stitch, the chupacabra, Barney, and Commander Kalyn Cody)—They are the Tournament of Doom’s strike force, the team summoned by the powers that be when the TOD’s dirty deeds must be done. They have assaulted Santa Claus’ fortress of solitude, traveled up Niagra Falls in a barrel, hunted down Hogzilla, and led the strike on the Department of Education that restored the TOD’s federal funding. Resourceful, adventurous, and downright cool, Team Raptor Force is the very definition of “elite.” V and Mary Poppins—The winners of Tournament of Doom V: The PUmmeleninging…ing…ing, V and Mary Poppins were all but untouchable in that year’s competition. Poppins would levitate into the sky while V would withstand a vicious assault before unleashing one of his own. The British Isles couldn’t be more proud. Past inductees include the Animaniacs, Blue, Donkey Kong, Grimace, Loren Havens, the Incredibles, Tracie Knapp, the Kool-Aid Man, LexLuthor, Odie, Jim O’Hollearn, Mike Patterson, Pikachu, the Powerpuff Girls, the Rainbow Brite Coalition (Katie Crooks and Tim Zick,) the Freakin’ Raptor, OJ Simpson, the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, Storm, Sugar Bear, Darth Vader, and Scott Zierath. Breaking News!Jason Stonerook was just spotted filling his car full of gas which is believed to be from the remands of th freak'in raptor and barney's dead carcasses. July 15, 2008BARNEY GOES BALLISTIC!Dinosaur unleashes inner fury after best friend falls in TOD.
Barney’s outburst came after his best friend, Shreds the Freakin’ Raptor, lost his TOD match against former UB student Mike Patterson and Robin. Barney was seated in the front row where he could marvel at the Raptor’s ability to pop a wheelie on his steamroller. Yet when the final bell tolled to signal the Raptor’s demise, a clearly agitated Barney stormed out of his seat. Rumors quickly spread that Robin’s partner in the match was not actually Mike Patterson but rather a mysterious fellow named “Wayne Bruce” who was dressed as Patterson. While the TOD news could not confirm that report, anonymous sources have hinted that an investigation is underway. Infuriated by the rumors, Barney made his way to the Raptor’s locker room, where he found the remains of the Raptor’s pre-fight meal of groundhog and raw ostrich egg. After inspecting the food, Barney discovered someone had laced the egg with Nyquil and motor oil, a combination that would have rendered the Raptor drowsy and disoriented. Barney then found a Post-it note inside the Raptor’s locker that read #7 = “Rapter army Raptor, Raptor . Recognizing the handwriting of Tournament of Doom dietary consultant Elise Bennett, Barney marched to the cafeteria for a little conversation. There he found Bennett, TOD exercise coordinator Laurel Whittis, and Nick Flood, publisher of the tabloid Daily Doom Opinion, stashing a box of motor oil in a cupboard. An unhinged Barney charged the three culprits. Bennett and Whittis quickly ran away, but Flood could not escape Barney’s grasp. Barney then proceeded to pummel Flood to a pulp. “I’ve never seen Barney so angry,” said TOD well-wisher Phyllis Gray. “He came at that kid like Kool-Aid Man greeting a wall.” Horrified onlookers could barely watch the severe pounding that Flood received. “I turned away when Barney ripped Nick’s arms off and then used them as clubs to smash in Nick’s face,” said an Uruk-hai warrior. “The sight was too much for me to bear.” Stitch and the chupacabra were finally able to pull Barney away after 47 minutes. “I don’t know what was worse: Monster Barney or ‘My Best Friend is Toast’ Barney,” said V. “All I know is that I never want to see either sight again as long as I’m alive.” Barney could not be reached for comment. Neither could Nick Flood. July 14, 2008WUSS BRACKET CHAMPIONSHIP PREVIEWThe championship fight in the Wuss Bracket takes place tonight amid great anticipation. Odie, the previous Wuss Bracket champion, is expected to be on hand to throw out the first pitch and drool out the window of the pace car. TOD observers say the fight is fairly even-handed, so we thought we’d give our loyal readers at home a breakdown of the two fighters. TOUCAN SAM: Not to be mistaken for Sam Kemp, who more closely resembles a macaw.Toucan Sam has been defending his favorite cereal—Froot Loops—from dastardly villains for decades now. He has successfully defeated evil-doers who have stolen his color or swiped the world’s supply of Froot Loops, including Dr. Peacock, Nasty Alien Froot Monster, and the Froot Queen, and is currently locked in an ongoing struggle against the pirate Blackbeak. His chief weapon is his beak, which, with its strong grasp, is rumored to be made out of adamantium. His principle method of attack is flight, and his deathblow typically involves a dive bomb. LUMIERE: A rare fighter in the Tournament of Doom in that he does not actually fight as something that is typically alive. Instead, Lumiere is a candlestick possessed by the soul of a suave Butler. Lumiere has used his pyrotechnic ability successfully in this year’s TOD, having roasted opposition like Blue and Snuggles and (accidentally twice, once in practice, and once on purpose,) Barney. It is rumored that his candlesticks are actually flamethrowers. Although his mobility and agility are severely limited and despite the fact that he is made of wax, Lumiere’s ability to wield flame makes him a formidable opponent. The moment TOD fans have been waiting for is nearly here. Millions have been imagining a Toucan sweeping in for the kill just as his candlestick opposition turns up the heat. This is a fight you won’t want to miss.
July 11, 2008RAPTOR/MIKE PATTERSON BOUT TESTS LOYALTIESA fight is looming in the regional finals that will surely go down in Tournament of Doom history as one of the greatest TOD fights of all time. The Freakin’ Raptor, whose enthusiastic participation in everything TODish has turned him into both the competition’s strongest advocate and worst nightmare, faces off against Mike Patterson, a two-time winner of the Tournament of Doom pick-em pool and former Upward Bound student. Loyalties are expected to be pushed to the breaking point when these two face off in the grass square. Many fans fondly follow the exploits of the Freakin’ Raptor, who never disappoints when it comes time for some relentless mayhem. But many of those same fans will be drawn to support Mr. Patterson, whose spirited quest for the championship connects with the hopes and dreams of the average follower of the TOD. It is rumored the Raptor intends to pack the stadium with fans loyal to his crusade, with retribution to be meted by Stitch should anyone root for his opponent. This alone may be enough to tilt the fight to Mr. Raptor. For further insight on the fight, here are some comments from fighters who know the two well: TOD Councilmember Jason Stonerook: The Freakin’ Raptor wants to surpass last year’s accomplishment of making it to the Final Four. He’s a dinosaur on a mission. I thought he would struggle to get by Conan the Barbarian, but Shreds took him out easy. He’ll slaughter Mikey. How do I know? He’s a freakin’ raptor, that’s why. Batman: Here’s the thing—Mike Patterson has two lightsabers and is fight alongside the greatest sidekick of all-time, Robin. Robin can handle a dinosaur on his own, so adding Mike to that equation only makes it that much more difficult to take them out. And one other thing: The Raptor is on a steamroller. Do you know how slow those things move? It practically renders the Raptor immobile. If the Raptor was a wise raptor, he’d take the day off.
So there you have it: The inside scoop on what will surely be one the TOD’s great moments. We can’t wait!
July 10, 2008DAREDEVIL’S PRESENCE FELT IN TODHe hasn’t made it far in previous Tournaments of Doom, but fighters associated with Marvel superhero Daredevil have left a strong impression on this year’s field. Two of the remaining fighters—one fourth of the field—claim to be either friend or foe of the Man Without Fear. Perhaps the most surprising Daredevil character to find himself left standing is Daredevil archenemy Bullseye, who found a way to take out the devious Tai-Lung of Kung Fu Panda. “I just waited for an opening,” Bullseye told the TOD news. “While Tai-Lung may have caught a swath of arrows in mid-flight and redirected them at opponents during his training regimen, he wasn’t ready for me. I once killed a man from 100 yards out with a toothpick. A snow leopard at 20 feet is a piece of cake.” Bullseye’s next opponent is Gambit of the X-Men. Both fighters are known for their distance attack, but only Gambit’s projectiles can explode upon impact. That fact did not faze Bullseye. “I’ve taken worse beatings in my lifetime. A Cajun card shark hardly concerns me.” The other fighter with a long history with Daredevil is Elektra, the on-again/off-again love interest of the crimson crusader. A professional assassin, it is estimated by some that Elektra has killed more men in her lifetime than any other character entered in Tournament of Doom VII: The Pulverizening. Elektra added Sweeny “Weeny” Todd to that list of casualties last night. “That barber came at me like a cocky fool,” Elektra recalled. I could have finished him off in five seconds but I thought I’d give the crowd their money’s worth.” And a show is what the crowd received, as Elektra dashed around her opponent, coming close enough to sheer him bald. “That barber looked like he could use a haircut,” she said. “So I gave him one.” Elektra finished it all off by giving Mr. Todd a close shave right across the esophagus. “Poor old scissorhands,” she said. “He should have become a pirate.” Wednesday July 9, 2008Has Success Gone to Sweiny Todd’s Head?
Unfortunately, after two upset victories, many customers have found Sweiny Todd to be insufferable. Conan the Barbarian says, “When I walk in to get the bone fragments and feathers trimmed from my mane, I don’t want to hear about how this ninny got lucky against a thick-skinned dinosaur and a thicker-skinned elephant. I want to hear about Britney Spears and Hannah Montana.” I don’t know how he won those fights, but Todd had better pray he don’t meet me in the semis.” Many fighters have chimed in with similar complaints. 2-time student champion Mike Patterson remarked, “Why is this arrogant clown only shaving me with one blade? I thought he had a knife on each finger?” Robin echoed, “Wait, isn’t he the dancing potato guy? Why is he scratching my neck?” In response, Todd simply grinned and pointed to the scoreboard. JULY 8, 2008TOD Daycare a Hit With KidsSome have wondered what happens to the children of busy TOD parents during TOD season. While the Tournament of Doom is a family affair, sometimes the hectic schedule, endless meetings, and threats of wildebeast rampages leads some parents search for a warm, comforting environment for their children to play in.
TOD Councilmember Scott Zierath, father of Moira, is a regular patron. “Moira loves interacting with the other kids. She had been tagging along with me, but when you’re trying to balance the demands of a temperamental minotaur and a diva like Miss Piggy, there isn’t much time to change diapers or make sure her bottle’s full. With Daycare of Doom, I can drop Moira off for a few hours, attend to official councilmember business, and then pick her up to give her my undivided attention at the end of the day.” Moira loves Daycare of Doom. How do we know? Well, if you check out that fountain of adorable drool dripping from her cute-as-a-button smile, you’ll see that chillin’ with the Muppet Babies and Maggie Simpson all day is her cup of tea. “She’s made so many friends,” said Moira’s mother, Kath. “She gets along so well with the newborn hyena twins, and Chucky recently invited her over to his house for a play date. That Stewie Griffin is trouble, though.” The Care Bears and Doctor Doom plan daily field trips for kids at Daycare of Doom. “Everybody got to go for a ride in Lightning McQueen yesterday,” said activities director Yoda. “Tomorrow, Nightcrawler is going to show them how to teleport. Barney stops by on a regular basis. He’s a big hit. The kids even helped Scooby-Doo solve a crime last week.” Today, Daycare of Doom is anticipating a stop from the Powerpuff Girls. “They’re going to show us how to save cities from monsters,” said Moira Zierath through a translator. “When I grow up, I want to be just like them.” Just another way the Tournament of Doom touches the hearts of all associated with it.
JULY 2, 2008TOD in Standstill Until Regeneration Machine Regenerated
The regeneration machine, used by TOD combatants to come back to life after being injured or destroyed in the TOD arena, broke down last week after the Freakin’ Raptor repeatedly threw Barney and other objects into it. TOD officials struggled for a week to come up with a solution to the problem. Their cause was not helped by Darth Vader, who, upon learning of the regeneration machine’s malfunctioning, secluded himself in his Death Star chamber. Reports from rogue Death Star agents indicated that Vader became a recluse during this time and grew a beard, refused to trim his fingernails, preserved his urine in vials, and walked around his chamber in Kleenex tissue boxes. In the meantime, crime surged around the globe as the world’s criminals assumed superheroes participating in the TOD would seek shelter rather than risk injury. Despite the threat posed to their lives, however, Captain America assembled a team of Avengers consisting of everyone from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to Aragorn and Yoshi to help him stave off the crime wave. “You could really see who was cool and who was the fool,” said A-Team Avenger member B.A. Baracus. “Captain America really came through.” Numerous vendettas against the Freakin’ Raptor were acted upon by ordinary townspeople at the time, as well, as many figured the Raptor would be more reluctant to take the outrageous risks he normally does when trying to escape vengeful mobs. The Raptor was chased for five days across the western portion of the United States, where he fell into the Grand Canyon, was blasted out of Old Faithful, and tumbled down the Columbia River’s rapids. Mr. Fantastic, Wile E. Coyote, and Optimus Prime finally devised the solution that fixed the broken regeneration machine. Over lunch one day, Wile E. Coyote commented via placard that a regeneration machine ought to be able to regenerate itself. Mr. Fantastic quickly drew up a plan that called on Optimus Prime to jump the regeneration machine with a pair of jumper cables. Once the regeneration machine was running again, Mr. Fantastic and Mr. Prime actually turned the regeneration machine inside out and restored it to its original condition. Wile E. Coyote then cleaned it of the leftover Barney and opossum gunk that had clogged up the machine in the first place. All that was left was for Team Raptor Force to hunt down Monster Barney and return the awful beast to its separate parts. After a daylong battle, Team Raptor Force called on Councilmember Tess Putnam to persuade Monster Barney into finally returning to the regeneration machine. Doctor Octopus anesthetized the creature, and Mace Windu performed a delicate operation with his lightsaber to slice off each misconfigured part. Finally, all the pieces were thrown into the regeneration machine one at a time to restore them to their proper owners. Barney was regenerated last, and immediately hugged the Raptor upon exiting the machine. The Raptor then tore Barney to pieces, bringing the entire episode full circle. JULY 1, 2008REGENERATION MACHINE BROKEN!The Tournament of Doom was faced with its greatest crisis today as the regeneration machine broke down. Without the regeneration machine, fighters who die in the TOD cannot come back to life and continue their regular existence. Eyewitnesses blamed it on the Freakin’ Raptor. “I was on my way to the concession stand to buy a slushy when I spotted the regeneration machine in the parking lot outside the stadium,” said TOD fan Layne Huber. “The Freakin’ Raptor was there with Barney. The Raptor was still fired up from his win over Captain Caveman. Anyway, Barney would pop out of the machine, the Raptor would tear him to pieces, and then throw him back into the machine and start the process all over again. Barney would barely get a step out of the machine before the Raptor would pounce. That purple dinosaur never even knew what hit him.” “The whole process lasted about 10 seconds,” said Tessa Croatt, who was on a tour of the TOD facilities. “Appear, destroy, regenerate. Appear, destroy, regenerate. Barney would be conscious for about 1 second before a look of sheer terror engulfed him as the Raptor tore him asunder.” “I was amazed by the whole thing,” said fan Nathan Tretton. “That Raptor is a killing machine. But then he started to get sloppy. An opossum accidentally wandered too close once and the Raptor killed that along with Barney and threw them all into the machine. Eventually the Raptor started chucking in garbage, leftover food, those three ducks from Ducktales, megatherium droppings, and a komodo dragon. I think the thing got overloaded and just fizzed out.” The machine began to smoke and backfire and finally sputtered to a halt. Finally bored, the Raptor walked away, but within about five minutes, a strange purple creature began to emerge from the machine’s regenerative portal. “What appeared was the most horrifying thing I’ve ever seen in my life, and remember, I room with Karl Kramer,” said Huber. “It was a purple fire-breathing beast a touch shorter than Godzilla. It had tentacles and this awful snout and breathed fire and had tiny wings that could barely lift it off the ground. One of its seven legs looked like it was made out of a Transformer. It had at least four mouths, one of which simply said, “HUNGRY!!” over and over again. It ate everything insight and left behind a fluorescent green goo. And it had really bad gas.” Monster Barney wreaked havoc on the surrounding area. The TOD Council quickly dispatched councilmember Scott Zierath to document the beast and devise a plan to end its brutal reign of terror. In the meantime, word is just beginning to spread among TOD combatants that the regeneration machine is busted. As the shock began to settle in, TOD competitors wondered if there would be a future for the TOD without the possibility of regeneration. To be continued… JUNE 30, 2008MORE TOD CHICANERY?A cloud of suspicion has descended upon the Tournament of Doom as further allegations of fight misconduct have emerged. Federal investigators reviewing the Raptor/Hannah Montana fight and the upcoming bout between Conan the Barbarian and Huey, Dewey and Louie are now looking into last week’s Gimli-Donatello match-up. “Anonymous sources have suggested that Donatello’s bow was not really a wooden stick,” said FBI agent Dana Scully. “We have reason to believe that his bow was actually a very elaborate lightsaber designed to resemble a wooden bow.” Donatello won his fight despite being a tremendous underdog. TOD Co-Chairman Captain America agreed to review the tape of the fight but the record was missing. “It is absolutely imperative that the ground rules governing the fights are followed,” said Mr. America. “Unfortunately, someone is tampering with the evidence.” TOD Co-Chairman Darth Vader was unavailable for comment as he had traveled to Tatooine to throw something into the Sarlacc Pit, but commented on the federal investigation by issuing the following statement: “I find the federal government’s lack of faith disturbing. The TOD has always followed the letter of the law. And I have a Death Star.” Rumors are also flying that suggest other fighters are also entering the ring with performance enhancements. Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear was recently spotted at Ace Hardware purchasing a spray can of unitherm, which is a thin-film intumescent spray fireproofing product. His opponent, Lumiere, has reportedly been smuggling Jet-A jet fuel from a nearby airport. Both fighters refused comment for this story. Captain America has assured fans of the TOD that the next round fights will be legitimate. “If I need to call in the Avengers to check the body cavities of each combatant prior to their fight to make sure everything’s on the up-and-up, I will do that,” said the Captain. In the meantime, Darth Vader continued to stew. “That goody-goody America better not mess up my Tournament,” he was overheard muttering to roommate C. Montgomery Burns. June 27, 2008TOURNAMENT OF DOOM FACING CONGRESSIONAL INVESTIGATIONTournament of Doom co-chairmen Darth Vader and Captain America have been subpeoned to testify before the United States Senate concerning events that occurred in the first round of this year’s Tournament of Doom. The first concerns the pending match-up between Conan the Barbarian and Huey, Dewey, and Louie. Senator Arlen Specter (R-Pennsylvania) is concerned that the TOD is pre-arranging fights. “Records show that Mr. Conan fought the Duck brothers in a first-round TOD fight in 2003 during Tournament of Doom II: The Rebloodening,” explained Sen. Specter. People still talk about Mr. Conan’s bloody victory, which resulted in an excruciatingly painful and drawn-out torture session that concluded with a duck head shish kabob. The citizens of Duckberg remained traumatized by the event, as do the regenerated Huey, Dewey, and Louie. While the Tournament of Doom is widely recognized for its gruesome spectacles, the sadistic act of pitting two previous and mismatched fighters against one another seems sadistic. I question whether the TOD is truly generated by a random draw, or if outside forces focusing on the commercial dividends that such a high profile fight would draw are intervening.”
Senator Specter also spoke up about events that transpired during and after the Freakin’ Raptor’s fight with Hannah Montana. “We all accept and appreciated the Raptor’s bloody annihilation of the siren Montana, but TOD officials should have intervened after the fight to prevent the atrocity that developed afterwards. The Raptor had no business using his steamroller for five hours to stretch the corpse of Ms. Montana across the length and width of the playing surface. While many senators were impressed by Shreds’ ability to preserve Montana’s horrified look on her face, such acts of gratuitous violence merely lead us to believe that the TOD is really just an excuse to maul and destroy people and animals in wildly destructive fights rather than a key part of the U.S. Farm Code, as established by the recently passed farm bill. “Tell that Specter prude that it’s a matter of free speech. The Raptor’s an artist, so leave him alone,” said co-chairman Darth Vader as he drove a tractor pulling a hay baler. June 26Grylls Asa (Roasts) GonzalesIn first round action of TOD VII: The Pulverizening, Bear Grylls used his cunning to capture, roast, and devour Señor Speedy Gonzalez. Grylls was asked by TOD junior reporter Kyle Broflavski how he was able to neutralize Gonzalez’s speed.
“Also, I must send a hearty cheers to that wiry bloke Sweeney Todd for bringing down that massive elephant with nothing but his razor. Last time I bagged an elephant it took me several hours to build a snare big enough. The result was highly improbable, but very impressive. As they always say: that’s why they hold the fights in the field, not in the papers.” June 24STORM REGION A REAL RUMBLERThe first round of Tournament of Doom VII: The Pulverizening is complete, and no region was more doomtastic than the Storm Region, where some of the most gruesome fights graced the grass square. Skeletor and the pack of hyenas kicked things off in fine fashion with a knock-down drag-down brawl that In an unexpectedly short fight, an agitated cassowary made short work of the San Diego Chicken. The Chicken ran across the field and landed the first punch on the clearly flippant ratite, but that also gained the attention of the cassowary, who, with five jabs to the Chicken’s face and abdomen, incapacitated the chicken. A flurry of pecks soon led the cassowary to disembowel the unfortunate mascot. “Bwak-KAAAWK bak-bak,” said the cassowary after the fight before shreding a Care Bear reporter to pieces. Finally, the fight between the 12 angry baboons and the Griffin family from Family Guy turned into an all-out street fight that the Griffins had no chance of winning. Peter and Lois put up a good fight, but the baboons quickly overcame Brian, Chris, and Meg. The remaining baboons simply swarmed the elder Griffins, using the bones of the human children to knock the final Griffins into submission. All that remained of the Griffins at the conclusion of the fight was a mushy, bloody heap of flesh. “Rarely have monkey fighters been such a dominant force in the Tournament of Doom,” said baboon spokesman Donkey Kong. “I predict another resounding victory of the blue-butted champions when they take on the armor-plated polar bear next week.” June 24IT’S FIGHT NIGHT!The build-up as been intense, but the moment is finally upon us: The first round of Tournament of Doom VII: The Pulverizening will happen tonight! Thirty-two fights plus another 8 in the Wuss Bracket will take place today, and for the first time this year, the festivities will kick off with a parade of champions featuring every fighter in this year’s bracket as well as past champions (Darth Vader; Mace Windu; Odie; Storm; Bart, Lisa, and Maggie Simpson; the Powerpuff Girls; Sugar Bear; V and Mary Poppins; and Captain America). Let’s preview some of the more interesting fights: The San Diego Chicken vs. an agitated cassowary: The San Diego Chicken clearly has the crowd on his The Big Bad Wolf vs. Miss Piggy: It is no mystery that the Big Bad Wolf loves pork. But he has had
Yoshi vs. Wile E. Coyote: The Coyote’s schemes are devious, yet they have often backfired due to the Remember to turn in your brackets tonight by 10:30 and check back tomorrow for final results! June 23WILLIAM WALLACE VS. JOAN OF ARC:A HISTORY LESSONOfficials at the Tournament of Doom place great care in the selecting which fighters will fight whom in the Tournament of Doom. All fights are chosen randomly at a top secret selection event attended only by current and former council members, Darth Vader, Captain America, the Freakin’ Raptor (but only after months of nagging,) and Sam Kemp, (who supplies the pizza. Do you know the Freakin’ Raptor’s favorite kind of pizza topping? Answer at the end of the column!) Even though the selection process is random, occasionally some fighters are serendipitously paired with one another. One such pairing this year—William “Braveheart” Wallace vs. Joan of Arc”—affords us the opportunity for a history lesson. (NOTE: The Freakin’ Raptor objected to the inclusion of anything educational in the TOD unless it was about dinosaurs. Phyllis overruled him.) So here’s a brief on the two sword wielding combatants: William Wallace (c. 1272-76 – 23 August 1305) was a Scottish knight, landowner, and patriot who is Joan of Arc, or Jeanne d'Arc in French, (c. 1412 – May 30, 1431) also known as "the Maid of Orleans", One thing’s for sure: While both of these fighters met an early demise in real life, one will walk out of the grass square tomorrow with the chance to fight again. Answer to trivia question: The Raptor’s favorite pizza topping is groundhog. Mmm, tasty! June 20HOG WILD WITH HOGZILLANo competitor was more sought after this year than Hogzilla, an extraordinary specimen that Tournament of Doom officials insisted upon including in Tournament of Doom VII: The Pulverizening. When Darth Vader heard rumors about a wild boar measuring 12 feet in length, weighing 1,000 pounds, and bearing 18 inch tusks, a team of stormtroopers was immediately dispatched to round up the bovine. After fifty minutes in the wilds of Georgia, however, Vader lost touch with the squadron of stormtroopers. “I think Hogzilla got them,” Vader said. “Either that or they accidentally shot one another. Maybe they ran into a couple Ewoks armed with twigs.” Vader then order Team Raptor Force to find the big pig. After a week, Team Raptor Force member and TOD councilmember Commander Kalyn Cody emerged from the forest with his prize. “Some people thought it was a hoax, like a liger,” said Commander Cody. “But I want the world to know that I, Kalyn Cody, have wrangled myself a 1,000 pound hog.”
Cody, with the help of the chupacabra, set up an elaborate trap that lured Hogzilla into a giant hole. Cody then jumped into the hole and subdued the animal. “Hogzilla may not want to be in the Tournament of Doom, but he’s going to be awesome in the Tournament of Doom.” The Freakin’ Raptor later found the stormtroopers at a nearby Waffle House. Miss Piggy is none too thrilled about the spotlight grabbing Hogzilla. “This little piggy right here—moi!—is the biggest piggy in the universe, not this bore of a boar,” Miss Piggy told TOD reporter Rowlf. “If he gets near me, I’ll show him what a ‘pork chop’ is.” If Piggy and Hogzilla win their first two fights, she’ll get just that opportunity, as they are in line to fight one another in the round of sixteen. For more information on the real Hogzilla, search for “Hogzilla” on Wikipedia. June 19A LOOK AT THE WUSS BRACKETWhile the Tournament of Doom has made a name for itself as a hip destination spot for the world’s toughest and cruelest fighters, there has always been room in brackets for fodder. (See Grimace and Barney.) Whether that fodder ends up in the brackets unknowingly, accidentally, or via the machinations of TOD councilmembers who think it is hilarious to see helpless cartoon characters torn asunder and devoured by packs of vicious animals, their inclusion always pleases our bloodthirsty crowds. This year, the folks at TOD headquarters have brought you a bracket made up entirely of fodder. It’s called the Wuss Bracket, and it promises to delight. “Oh yeah! I have front row tickets to the fights for the Wuss Bracket,” said an overly enthusiastic Kool-Aid Man. (Perhaps too much “sugar” in his “punch?”) “That fight between Sponge-Bob Square Pants and Lumiere is shaping up to be a grudge match. How is that candlestick supposed to light a damp sponge on fire? Can a sponge even punch hard enough to inflict any damage to that candle? It will be epic!” Others are less than enthused. “I waited in line all day to get tickets, and I got stuck with upper deck seats to the Wuss Bracket,” complained Donkey Kong. “I won’t even be able to see the California Raisins.” Buffy the Vampire Slayer perhaps summed it up best. “You haven’t lived until you’ve seen Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear with the look of murderous rage in his eyes.” June 18MEGATHERIUM MEGADANGEROUS? Venues are ready, the brackets are out, and the fights are set to kick off in Tournament of Doom VII: The Pulverizening. Fighters and spectators from all corners of the galaxy and existence are making their way to stadiums to witness the most anticipated competition since the 2007 Smurf Winter Olympics. The question on the minds of millions as they peruse their brackets this year is “What in the world is a megatherium?” For the answer, we caught up with the fellow who discovered this fearsome competitor, Shreds the Freakin’ Raptor.
The Freakin’ Raptor has been surprisingly impressed by the megatherium. “It has claws like daggers. I can appreciate that. And the other day it flipped over Tony the Tiger’s Volkswagen Beetle.
Five minutes later most of the cars in the parking lot were smashed a large violet blob had been stretched across the pavement. June 18COOKIE Monster Wins!The Council split on the decision - Stoney voted for the Keebler Elves, Lord Zierath backed the Cookie Monster, Kim rooted for the Cookie Monster, Commander Kalyn was confident in the Cookie Monster, and Tess put her stamp of approval on the Keebler Elves. To complete the fight, two ballots were drawn: The Pirate Queen Celina Flores and Space Ranger Carli cheered as Cookie Monster mashed the Keebler Elves into tiny pieces. June 17COOKIE CRUNCH The first Tournament of Doom match-up is ready to go, and it features two fighters who have dealt with their To size up the fight, we asked past Tournament of Doom competitors to give us their insights into this cookie kill-off.
Shredder: Don’t overlook those elves—they are more Machiavellian than even myself! From what I’ve heard, they’ve been running a sweatshop inside that tree with undocumented elves. If they can evade the eyes of the government, they can surely fool that bumbleheaded furball of a monster.
Scrappy-Doo: Brains mean everything in the Tournament of Doom. The elves speak in complete sentences. Half the time, all Cookie Monster says is “Omm nom nom nom nom.” Advantage: Elves. There you have it. Check back tomorrow for the results of the first fight! June 16, 20082008 Tournament of Doom Set to BeginA deal struck last night between self-appointed Tournament of Doom Chairman-For-Life Darth Vader and 2007 Tournament of Doom winner Captain America will insure that the 2008 Tournament of Doom will begin as scheduled. Cap and Vader had been embroiled in a dispute over who would serve as chairman for the 2008 Tournament of Doom. Cap claimed that his 2007 victory, his penchant for democracy and popularity with a broad coalition of fans, and his calls for change had earned him the right to serve as chairman this year. Vader argued that his dictatorial stranglehold on power, which he said was based on his victory in the first TOD in 2002, coupled with his sheer unwillingness to relinquish power, meant that Captain America should just mind his own business and go back to running his “puny little Avengers.” Captain America and Darth Vader were about to duke it out in a winner-take-all bout-of-the-century arranged by the Powerpuff Girls when a compromise emerged from the unlikeliest of sources. Barney the purple-hued dinosaur suggested that they serve as co-chairs. Cap and Vader agreed to the Barney Compromise, much to the chagrin of the Freakin’ Raptor, who had manufactured dozens of giant foam fingers proclaiming “Raptor #1” that he wanted to sell at the now-cancelled fight. The Raptor proceeded to shred Barney to pieces. Cap and Vader did have to settle a few outstanding issues. Prior to the compromise, elections were held throughout the Tournament of Doom universe to attempt to democratically elect a chairman. Vader insisted that votes from the Death Star should count, even though the Death Star’s elections were held prior to the elections held in the Shire (who had been given first-in-the-universe voting status) and despite the fact that there were twice the number of votes from the Death Star than there were people on it. In a compromise, Captain American agreed to count Death Star votes as half a vote. The first thing Captain America and Darth Vader did as co-chairmen was to ask Team Raptor Force, (consisting of the Freakin’ Raptor, Barney, the chupacabra, Stitch, and Commander Kalyn Cody,) to assemble a 65-man field of fighters. The Raptor prepared multiple modes of transportation and a time machine for the endeavor. The Raptor also packed a dozen bologna and muenster cheese sandwiches for the trip. “It should last us until we get out of town. We’ll hunt the rest of our food along the way,” said the Raptor. Are you ready for the Tournament of Doom? First fight—Tomorrow!
Tournament of Doom Training Camp Underway
Let the fights begin. For the sixth summer in a row, Darth Vader and Shreds the Raptor gather fighters from across the world, galaxy, time, and dimensions to participate in the Tournament of Doom. It is a 64 member bracketed elimination fight to the death which has such impressive fighters as Mace Windu, Superman, Phyllis Gray, Ronald McDonald, Legolas, and Cookie Monster. The Tournament of Doom training camp has started under the strictest of secrecy. The many rainbow colored buses of fighters have been seen traveling to the hidden training grounds somewhere near Luther College. ToD Spokesman Shreds the Raptor warned off photographers as they tried to snap shots of the participants. One particularly agile photographer Peter Parker got away from Shreds, but a large furry prehistoric managed to hook his huge claws on Parker’s camera strap and came away with the camera. At this point, Shreds went berserk, calling the creature Theory and accusing him of breaking secrecy. A battle ensued, and the two prehistoric creatures had to be forcibly separated by Vader, Hagrid, Tess Putnum, and Principal Skinner Parker, who was standing by the sidelines guarded by Yoda and Jason Stonerook, looked very embarrassed. “I can’t believe my camera got nabbed by a giant sloth.”
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This year’s final fight features a Marvel-ous match-up between Spider-Man arch-nemesis Doctor Octopus and X-Men member Gambit. It should be remembered as a classic TOD fight. What will triumph in the end—The strength of Doctor Octopus’ metal arms, or the agility of Gambit? Will the ragin’ Cajun’s distance attack counter the diabolical doctor’s range of attack? Can sly intuition fend off evil genius? Millions are waiting for the answer.
After Nick (Flash-Flood) Flood went throw the Rejuvenation Machine. He had this to say “Ow....... it was great. It was like a spa in there. It was totally worth the cowardly sneak attach Barney gave me, which brings me to my next point. Barney, you're goin' down, and there'll be no rejuvenation for you or the Freakin' Raptor.” 
Barney—A participant in Tournament of Doom V: The Pummeleninging…ing…ing, Barney found himself teamed up with fellow dinosaur the Freakin’ Raptor. While both competitors shared the same prehistoric DNA, the two fighters could not be further apart in temperament. Barney prefers love and compassion to the Raptor’s violent rage and diabolical chicanery, and each of their fights ended with the Raptor annihilating both his opposition and his partner. Yet a surprising friendship developed, and Barney is rarely out of the Raptor’s reach, which has often resulted in disaster for the purple reptile.
Josh Dixon, Stephanie Haar, and Jeremy Lutz—There is a no greater tradition today than the bracket madness inspired by the TOD. People around the world compete with one another to see who can most accurately pick the winners of the fights, and in 2006, during Tournament of Doom V: The Pummeleninging…ing…ing, the unprecedented occurred: A three way tie for first. Josh Dixon and Jeremy Lutz both ended the competition with the same number of points, as did Stephanie Haar, the first female player to claim the top honor.
groundskeeper, the person who must clear the arena of the carcasses of deceased competitors in between each fight. Sometimes the remains are monstrous bloody pulps; at other times, they are reduced to a gooey vapor. Yet Groundskeeper Willie has sullenly performed the task for the past seven years and has become a mainstay at Tournament of Doom events.
Eric Kerkove and the Tournament of Doom News—A combination of cutting edge reporting and salacious scandal sheet, the Tournament of Doom News—founded and written by Eric Kerkove in its formative years—has kept fans of the TOD abreast of key developments in the TOD universe. Kerkove’s high integrity, sharp satire, and willingness to dive into the bloody gutter of gossip and guts set the standard for the Tournament of Doom News. His Top Ten TOD Mishaps are a yearly published tradition. Kerkove is also honored here for his hard work as a member of the TOD Council.
A summer full of surprises received its biggest shock today when the normally placid Barney opened a can of whoop-butt on a TOD patron.
Chupacabra: Glaghach hack glatzenglack. Rokentakcrocklehach Raptor.Wiftdruschshklatiklakkakkak splat.Splat, splat splat.Gluffenhoch.
During TOD season, one often-overlooked venue saves many competitors from the degradation of their Pollack-like good looks. With all the flying fur and gushing blood, many combatants find themselves in need of a quick haircut and relaxing straight edge shave to remove grime of a hard fought battle to the death. Fortunately, TOD has a resident barber still alive in the tournament. 
For the first time, the Tournament of Doom is offering daycare services this year to any child under the age of six. A venture under the joint supervision of the Care Bears, Yoda, and Doctor Doom, Daycare of Doom regularly provides childcare services to upwards of fifty children each day.
Fourth of July festivities during the Tournament of Doom came to a standstill as the regeneration machine remained on the fritz. Fortunately, a crafty solution from an unexpected source remedied the problem.
Captain America spoke to the press shortly after Specter’s statement. “I can assure you that the TOD draw is entirely random. Note that the Conan-Duck brothers fight is a second-round fight rather than a first-round one, which would have guaranteed their meeting up had it happened. But in the long run, none of this matters, because them ducks is gonna get stabbed with a broad sword Cimmerian style.”
“First, I used the observation skills I learned in the British Special forces to spot an ideal location for this basic snare trap, which I built from a piece of my shoelace and the band from my undertrousers. I then built a platform shelter from the wings of these flying monkeys that were strewn about 1 meter from the ground where I could remain out of that rodent’s reach. After he wandered into the trap, I built a fire using bone fragments (Ed. Note: presumably those belonging to the former Hannah Montana) that I found lying around the field and had myself a brilliant Mouse and Bean burrito.”
almost tilted the hyenas’ way. Skeletor, that vile cretin of rotting carrion, found himself surrounded by the drooling dogs, who pounced on the arch-villain as though he were a rotting elephant corpse baking in a hot African sun. While four hyenas dragged Skeletor’s right leg away, the Evil Lord of Destruction slaughtered a few of their companions with his sword. After losing yet another leg, Skeletor crawled over to a gathering of hyenas feasting on his fibularis and wiped them out one by one. While the final hyena put up quite the fight, Skeletor was able to dispatch him before it began devouring his chest cavity. “Trap-Jaw, Tri-Klops, and Merman hold nothing on those hyenas,” Skeletor remarked after the match. “And Beast-Man has all the strength that one of those dogs hold in their paw. Yet I still managed to triumph over those pathetic animals. Ha-ha-ha!”
side. At a pep rally last night, over 50,000 people chanted, “We want the chicken!” before he finally appeared, hatching from a giant egg to the sounds of Also sprach Zarathustra. On the other hand, the agitated cassowary hung around for about thirty seconds, during which kicked TOD groundskeeper Groundskeeper Willie in the groin and spit in a little boy’s face. Yet might its irritated disposition help the cassowary finish off his foe in this featured fracas of feathered fighters? (Fast fact: Did you know that Barney and Friends once sued the San Diego Chicken for beating up a Barney look-alike at a sporting event?)
problems with pigs in the past. His record against animals of the hog variety is 2-1, but his one loss was particularly embarrassing. And no one should underestimate the little piggy he’s up against: Miss Piggy is no stranger to the martial arts, and few Muppets have been able to stop her once her full fury has been unleashed.
physics defying shenanigans of his arch-nemesis, the Road-Runner. Could Wile E. Coyote finally emerge triumphant? Or might Yoshi—who, like the Road-Runner, speaks in short imperceptible bleeps and scurries around the ground with feverish energy, also backfoil the mangy excuse of a dog?
renowned for leading a resistance during the Wars of ScottishIndependence. Along with Andrew Moray, he defeated an English army at Stirling, and became Guardian of Scotland, serving until his defeat at the Battle of Falkirk. After several years in hiding, Wallace was eventually found in Scotland and handed over to Edward I of England, who had him executed for treason. Wallace was the inspiration for the poem, The Acts and Deeds of Sir William Wallace, Knight of Elderslie, by the 15th-century minstrel, Blind Harry and the 1995 film Braveheart. (Source: Wikipedia)
was a 15th century virgin saint and national heroine of France. A peasant girl born in Eastern France, Joan led the French army to several important victories during the Hundred Years' War, claiming divine guidance, and was indirectly responsible for the coronation of King Charles VII. She was captured by the English and tried by an ecclesiastical court led by Bishop Pierre Cauchon, an English partisan; the court convicted her of heresy and she was burned at the stake by the English when she was nineteen years old. Twenty-four years later, the Holy See reviewed the decision of the ecclesiastical court, found her innocent, and declared her a martyr. She was beatified in 1909 and later canonized in 1920. (Source: Wikipedia) 
“I was actually using the time machine portal thingy to find Captain Caveman,” the Raptor said as he tuned up his hot rod steamroller in the Tournament of Doom parking lot. “I had to travel back to the Pleistocene epoch, which is, like, yesterday, in raptor time. So I found C.C. in a cave of all places and we came back through the time machine portal, but just after we stepped through and right before we shut it down, the megatherium fell through. I was, like, ‘Whoa! That’s one giant sloth!’” And that’s what it is: A giant sloth, but a sneaky giant sloth.”
“That super sloth doesn’t say much. That makes him one enigmatic mammal,” the Raptor concluded. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to practice.” The raptor then hopped onto his steamroller and revved it up. “Release the target!” he exclaimed. A friendly purple dinosaur dressed as Hannah Montana then stepped out of a trailer and waved in our direction.
share of tough cookies in their time. The blue-furred, googly-eyed, and fearsome Cookie Monster of Sesame Street will be taking on 12 shifty and devious Keebler Elves, led by none other than cookie magnate Ernie Keebler.
Mario: That Cookie Brute is one fearsome beast! I was watching clips of him in action on YouTube. If you look closely, it appears he merely smashes the cookies against the roof of his mouth. What would be a more awful fate for those devilish elves—to be pounded to death against that vile cretin’s palette, or to be slowly digested within its cavernous bowels?
Storm: My money’s on the odious blue carpet creature. Over the years, I’ve seen him eat not just cookies, but danishes, donuts, lettuce, apples, bananas, salt and pepper shakers, napkins, telephones, motorcycles, trucks, a safe, and four letters spelling out the word ‘food.’ He’s the closest we get to an unstoppable force.
