July 17]
FINAL FIGHT TONIGHT!!
After another thrilling year, Tournament of Doom VIII: The Ka-BOOM!!ening wraps up tonight with one of the best championship fights the TOD has ever seen. In a battle of armored titans that pits good vs. evil, Dr. Doom takes on Iron Man. Their mere presence in the championship fight guarantees a three-peat for the Marvel Universe, who, after tonight, will claim four (Storm, Captain America, Gambit, Dr. Doom/Iron Man) of the eight TOD championship trophies. We leave you with a preview of the competitors:
DOCTOR DOOM
Real Name: Victor von Doom
First Appearance: Fantastic Four #5, July 1962
Height: 6’2’’ Weight: 225 lbs.
Descended from gypsy parents, Doom has used his mastery of both science and black magic to take control of his homeland of Latveria, using it as a base from which to launch his plans of world conquest. Other than his intellect, Doom’s greatest advantage resides in his powerful armor, which is highly resistant to damage and can generate a defensive force field. The armor also provides Doom with low-level superhuman strength. Energy blasters are stored in his gauntlets, and he can project bolts of lightning from his hands.
IRON MAN
Real Name: Tony Stark
First Appearance: Tales of Suspense #39, March 1963
Height: 6’1’’ Weight: 225 lbs.
Iron Man’s strong and amazingly flexible micro-mesh armor contains an incredible high tech weapons system. With it he can shrug off anything from bullets to bomb blasts, stun enemies with powerful repulsor rays, fly rings around them with his jet-powered boots and effortlessly carry them off to jail. Additionally, Iron Man’s ingenuity allows him to deal with difficult situations such as difficult foes and deathtraps where he is capable of using the tools available in his suit in unique ways.
July 16
TOP TEN
TOURNAMENT OF DOOM MISHAPS
(2009 EDITION)
10. After losing his match to Doctor Doom, Cyclops retires to upper deck of stadium to ball his eyes out; the resulting stream of irradiated tears causes one-fourth of the stadium to collapse.
9. Intern Paul places a car boot on a napping Bumblebee, causing him to be late for Transformer picnic. In retaliation, Optimus Prime runs over Intern Paul as he walks to breakfast the following day.
8. Parliament-Funkadelic wants the bomb during match, gets funked up instead.
7. Miss Piggy drop-kicks the chupacabra back to Mexico during Team Raptor Force orientation week after the chupacabra orders a BLT while staring salaciously at the porcine fighter.
6. Jess Garber blows out her knee and Christina Thompson sprains her ankle after taunting Psyduck with lightsabers.
5. The decapitated head of Mr. Fantastic hanging from the Predator’s belt gets caught on the locker room doorknob as the Predator leaves the stadium for his crosstown hotel, tying up rush hour traffic throughout Townsville.
4. After the Freakin’ Raptor successfully opens the door of a pay toilet, Barney charges his friend to hug him in congratulations, plunging the pair back into the toilet and down the nearby hill.
3. The Joker convinces Sarah Palin that Samus’ armor is made out of aluminum foil and duct tape and could take a direct hit from EVE’s blasters.
2. Sarah Jacobs invites Doctor Doom to join the Anti-Firepower Team the day before her match with the dictator.
1. In the words of Nick Flood: “I challenge the Raptor to a cage match.”
July 15
BREAKING NEWS:
DOCTOR DOOM DEPLOYING DOOMBOTS?
An anonymous source close to TOD competitor Doctor Doom has claimed that the maniacal dictator has been using Doombots in TOD competitions rather than actually entering the fights himself.
Speaking under deep cover, the source claims Doom overheard this revelation during a leadership conference that Doom attended last weekend.
According to the source, “You betcha, I was just a joggin’ down the hallway there with my little boy…Tron, that’s his name, Tron, and whaddya know, there’s Doom talking to Joe the…Mechanic about his Doombots. Now I don’t want to be some sort of gotcha journalist [wink-wink] from one of those imaginary ‘newspapers’ I never read, but you gotta throw that basketball where it needs to go. And I respect that. That Doom, I can see his house from my husband’s boat, and it’s a nice castle, and I’d like one, so let people know that I’m not quitting, because that’s just not what leaders like Doom do, and if you tell people I’m quitting or that I said any of this, I’ll sue you and get the Department of Law after you. Because that’s what point guards like Doctor Doom does.”
If this allegation holds true, Doom would have to forfeit all his matches from this year’s Tournament of Doom. “Competitors cannot use substitute fighters,” explained TOD co-chair Captain America. “Any substitution opens up the possibility of another fighter entering the ring with enhanced abilities. Dr. Victor von Doom would immediately forfeit all his fights.”
Co-chairman Darth Vader launched an immediate investigation. “First, I want to find out if Doctor Doom actually did this,” he said. “And if so, I want to recruit as many Doombots as possible for next year’s Tournament of Doom and see if I can’t buy some of my own to replace my own squadron of Stormtroopers.”
Doctor Doom could not be reached for comment. His spokesman, Yosemite Sam, issued the following statement: “Never in tarnation have I heard such a litany of sensationalist hogwash. How dare any one besmirch the good name of Doctor Doom. I personally challenge the next person who levels such an accusation to a noontime duel.”
Team Raptor Force member EVE immediately accused Doom of cheating and requested twenty paces with Mr. Sam at noon tomorrow on the library lawn.
Shreds the Freakin’ Raptor supported Vader’s proposed investigation. “He should forfeit!” The Raptor screamed over and over again. “FORFEIT!!” When this reporter pointed out to the Raptor that, if Doom were found guilty, that would mean the dinosaur lost to a Doombot, the Raptor proceeded to disembowel the questioner. Please call the hospital.
July 13, 2009
BIG YEAR FOR BOUNTY HUNTERS
Tournament of Doom VIII: The Ka-BOOM!!ening has featured many memorable moments, but outside heavily-armored combatants, no other class of fighter has found more success than bounty hunters. In fact, the 2009 edition of the TOD may be remembered as the year bounty hunters permanently earned their place on the map.
In fact, one elite eight fight featured two bounty hunters: Samus and the Predator. Few combatants represent the spirit of the Tournament of Doom better than the Predator, or, as the chupacabra calls him, “El Diablo que hace trofeos de los hombres.” The Predator is a professional hunter who hunts alien species not for the sake of survival or sustenance, but simply for sport. Armed with heat vision, an impressive arsenal of weapons, and the power of invisibility, the Predator strikes fear into the heart of any opponent.
Yet fellow bounty hunter Samus felled the Predator this year to earn a spot in the final four. Outfitted with collapsible armor that allows her to turn into a tiny, highly maneuverable ball, Samus Aran is armed with a cannon, (which can be charged to produce a more powerful blast,) an array of missiles, and an ice blaster. In one of the best fights of the Tournament to date, Samus used her exceptional agility to gain an upper-hand over her opponent.
Another bounty hunter, Boba Fett, also made an impressive run to the elite eight, taking out Solid Snake, Legolas, and Nightcrawler along the way. Known throughout the galaxy for his notorious apprehension of Han Solo but also for his embarrassing demise at the Sarlaac Pit, Fett finally met his match upon encountering Iron Man. In a fight that took less than thirty seconds, Iron Man dropped out of the sky and disintegrated the bounty hunter, an ironic move that left spectator Darth Vader speechless.
Still, it has been a successful summer for bounty hunters. “Samus is a real role model in my book,” said Raelynn Grober. “I waited for hours outside her hotel room just to get a glimpse of her. I screamed like a schoolgirl when she walked outside. She even signed this picture!” Grober grew so excited she fainted after recalling the story. The excitement has even affected the Freakin’ Raptor. “If you look at Team Raptor Force, we are lacking someone who can hunt bounties. I mean, I’ve hunted a few bounties in my team, and I know the Commander has as well. And it wouldn’t be hard for EVE to learn the art. But I’m going to give serious thought to adding a bounty hunter to our ranks next year.” The news excited TOD fan Derek Anderson. “I want to be a bounty hunter when I grow up! Do you think the Raptor will let me on Team Raptor Force if I go to bounty hunter school?” Not since the time of Barack Obama have more young kids like Mr. Anderson been so inspired to make a difference in their world.
July 10, 2009
RAPTOR & FLOOD:
TOGETHER AT LAST!!
Duo teams up to take down Doctor Doom during monumental fight night
The round of sixteen has been notorious for shaking up the Tournament of Doom, and this year’s competition held true to form as a number of hard-fought fights came down to the wire. Most shocking of all, however, was an alliance that found the Freakin’ Raptor joining forces with Nick “Flash” Flood to rein in a megalomaniacal Doctor Doom, who was hellbent on taking over control of the Tournament of Doom.
But first, a recap of last night’s earth-shattering fights.
*The Predator moved quickly to dispatch Iceman, who attempted to plunge the fighting space into an Antarctic deep freeze. The Predator seemed prepared for these developments and ambushed the pre-occupied mutant.
*Fellow X-Man Nightcrawler appeared to have gained the upper-hand in his competition with Boba Fett when the blue-skinned mutant teleported onto the back of the bounty hunter. Fett reacted quickly, however, and triggered the rocket launcher on his back before Nightcrawler could snap his neck. Stunned by the sudden turn of events, Nightcrawler failed to teleport away before the rocket exploded.
*In the closest fight of the evening, Cyclops eked out a win over pre-tournament favorite Wolverine. Wolverine used his stealth skills to sneak up on Cyclops several times, but the X-Men’s leader was able to fend off his hit-and-run attacks. Cyclops finally lured Wolverine in close but then blasted his teammate with a blistering optic blast and then poured on the power after Wolverine crashed hard into a large boulder near the center of the arena.
*The Darth Maul/Starscream fight—one of the most anticipated of the evening—found the Sith Lord making quick work of the cocky, bumbling Decepticon. The Lara Croft/Samus fight also ended quickly with a Samus victory. Lara Croft was seen leaving the arena after her trip through the regeneration machine with Secretary of Doom Sam Love Kemp. Paparazzi followed Croft and Kemp to an ice cream shop where they enjoyed a quart of Ben and Jerry’s before catching the new Sandra Bullock movie The Proposal.
But the biggest event of the night was by far Doctor Doom’s fight with Sarah Jacobs, Sam Luloff, and two destroyer droids. Earlier that day, Jacobs had announced the formation of the Anti-Firepower League (AFL), organized to counter the growing influence of Team Firepower inside the Tournament of Doom. Strangely enough, one of the members of AFL was Dr. Doom, who had a fight scheduled that night with Jacobs and her allies.
Perhaps Jacobs was attempting to lull Dr. Doom into a false sense of confidence, but her move appeared to have a reverse effect. Doom made quick work of his fight with Jacobs, Luloff, and the droids, but then, in a stunning move, launched an attack on the TOD complex itself. Doom had previously rigged the VIP skybox housing Darth Vader, Captain America, Yoda, and past winners with an impenetrable force field that trapped many of the TOD’s best fighters inside. Dozens of doombots then descended from the skies to seize control of the facilities. Doom even momentarily crowned himself king of the TOD.
Team Raptor Force (TRF) and Team Firepower, however, were lying in wait. Nick Flood—leader of Team Firepower—guessed that Doom might use the moment to launch a coup d’état, while the Raptor had hoped to egg Doom following his fight to get revenge for last week’s fight. Yet both teams sprang to the rescue shortly after Doom launched his plan.
“You should have seen the Raptor and Flood’s face when they both charged the field. They were more shocked than even Doom,” said TRF member Kalyn Cody. “For a moment there, I wasn’t sure who I should fight: Victor Von Doom or Snuggles Von Cuddlypants. But Flood and Raptor came to a quick agreement to take down the dictator. And I have to admit, it was pretty cool working with Conan. He’s the most awesome barbarian I’ve ever met, and I’ve met a few in my time.”
Doom appeared to have the upper hand at first as a withering barrage of firepower pinned down TRF and AFL. The Raptor soon ordered EVE to lay down a blistering cover of laser blasts that proved to be the turning point in the fight. While Tess Putnam, the chupacabra, Rambo, and Deadpool moved to rescue the VIPs, Barney and Snuggles created a distraction that drew the attention of Doom. Barney and Snuggles went up in flames, but gave Stitch, Gimli, and Miss Piggy the opening they needed. The three combatants attacked simultaneously and disabled their opponent’s defensive systems. The rest of TRF and AFL swept in to finish Doom off much to the crowd’s approval.
Darth Vader and Captain America held an emergency meeting of the TOD Council to determine Doom’s punishment. After considering everything from forfeiture to imprisonment to banishment to the volcanic planet of Mustafar, Vader and Cap decided to campus Doom for two nights and make him pay a fine of $325. “He’s atyrannical maniac, and extremely dangerous,” said Vader, “but I can identify with that, and we’re not going to change that about him. But he’ll learn his lesson from this punishment.”
In the ensuing pandemonium, TRF and AFL appeared to slip out of the stadium together. Tabloid photographers caught the Raptor and Flood partying it up later that night at Marty’s, and both teams shared the dance floor when Usher’s “Yeah” hit the turntable. When reporters caught up with Flood the next morning, he said nothing really happened between the Raptor and him, and that they weren’t really even fighting as a team when they took on Doom. They just happened to be in the same place. Flood then quickly left the premises by saying that he had “an early morning meeting, and uh, stuff to do, like, washing my car, you know, so, like, you know, it wasn’t that big of a…yeah, you know.”
July 9, 2009
2009 TOD Hall of Fame Inductees Announced
 The Tournament of Doom Council is proud to announce the 2009 inductees into the Tournament of Doom Hall of Fame. These people are:
· EVE, Miss Piggy, and Tess “The Rocket” Putnam—The first female fighters to join Team Raptor Force.
· Gambit—Champion, Tournament of Doom VII: The Pulverizening.
· Nick “Flash” Flood—Founder of the Daily Doom Opinion, ardent supporter of Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear, and arch-nemesis of the Freakin’ Raptor.
· Sarah Jacobs and Sam Luloff—Student victors of Tournament of Doom VII: The Pulverizening.
· Mark Kresser—Student victor of Tournament of Doom II: The Re-Bloodening.
· Lumiere—Winner of the Wuss Bracket and master of the flame.
· Mace Windu—Champion, Tournament of Doom II: The Re-Bloodening.
The Freakin’ Raptor in particular was up in arms over the induction of Nicholas “Flash” Flood. “He belongs in the Hall of Shame,” the Raptor said. “He’s nothing but a troublemaker in aviator sunglasses. And besides, I’ve officially rescinded his status as my ‘arch-nemesis.’ Flood’s now Barney’s arch-nemesis.”
Captain America clarified the shocking induction of Nick Flood. “While many competitors associated with the reptilian faction of the TOD find Flood’s induction repulsing, we must recognize the contributions Mr. Flood has made to the Tournament. The Daily Doom may be nothing more than a scandal rag and Flood nothing more than a scandalmonger, but he is the TOD’s scandalmonger, and that’s why the selection committee decided he merited inclusion. We look forward to Mr. Flood’s comments regarding his induction.”
Past inductees include the Animaniacs; Barney; Blue; Captain America; Josh Dixon, Stephanie Haar, and Jeremy Lutz; Donkey Kong; Grimace; Groundskeeper Willie; Loren Havens; the Incredibles; Eric Kerkove and the Tournament of Doom News; Tracie Knapp; the Kool-Aid Man; Lex Luthor; Odie; Jim O’Hollearn; Mike Patterson; Pikachu; the Powerpuff Girls; the Rainbow Brite Coalition (Katie Crooks and Tim Zick); the Freakin’ Raptor; Sarah Schlee; OJ Simpson; the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man; Storm; Sugar Bear; Team Raptor Force (The Freakin’ Raptor, Stitch, the chupacabra, Barney, and Commander Kalyn Cody); Darth Vader; and Scott Zierath.
Wednesday, July 7, 2009
First Annual TOD Art Show a Miss
The Tournament of Doom opened its first annual art show yesterday. The exhibit—titled “All It Takes is an ‘F’: The Fine Line Between Art and Farts”—was scheduled to run for the rest of the week but was closed simultaneously by OSHA, the United States Coast Guard, the Environmental Protection Agency, the Iranian Revolutionary Council, the Teamsters, and the office of Vice President Joe Biden less than two hours after opening.
“We tried to bring a little culture to the Tournament of Doom,” said Art and Farts chairape Donkey Kong. “But what little culture that was brought to the TOD was destroyed.”
A spacious abstract canvas created by Donkey Kong titled “Splatter No. 1: Bananas and Poo” greeted the unlucky few who wandered into the venue. The painting’s wretched odor repelled most who set foot inside. The handful of people whose poor sense of smell could be classified as an evolutionary hindrance were able to pass, yet these poor souls found themselves surrounded by artwork more horrifying than soulless re-animated zombie roadkill.
“The chupacabra actually had what appeared to be a wonderful painting on par with a Rembrandt, or a Monet,” said patron Christina Thompson. “It was putting the finishing touches on it in the gallery. But then it threw up all over it. Imagine the Mona Lisa covered in chunky, taupe-colored vomit. Or actually, a canvas dipped like an ice cream cone in a coating of chunky, taupe-colored—oh, you have to excuse me, I can’t…” Thompson could not finish her statement.
“The Raptor had two exhibits,” said patron Sky Macklay. “The first was titled ‘Flaming Barney.’ Someone told me it was animatronic, but I’m not sure. It was the only work of art I’ve ever seen that actually screamed. It wanted me to help it. And then he had a drip painting that he said was done in the style of Eli Pollock. I think he meant Jackson Pollock. But it turned out the Raptor merely stole the Pollock from the Chicago Art Institute. But then it turned out the Raptor also stole ‘American Gothic’ from the Art Institute and glued the Pollock on top of that canvas. And then he threw it all on top of the ‘Flaming Barney.’ He said it was performance art. I actually kind of liked it. Except for the screaming.”
It only took about 72 minutes for most of the world’s population to be offended by the art on display at the TOD exhibit. Even the ACLU and the spirit of the First Amendment lodged a cease and desist order.
“After this experience, I learned that while I now like making art, most of the world’s human and animal population can’t accept my form of artistic expression,” said the Freakin’ Raptor. “Therefore, I have decided to stick to what I do best: Actual hand-to-hand violence competitions. That’s something that truly moves people.”
Vader Attempts to Tender Resignation, Talked Down by Putnam/Jensen
In a stunning moment of uncertainty, Tournament of Doom Co-Chair Darth Vader had prepared and attempted to submit his resignation of the highest seat in the Tournament of Doom. Vader was en route to file the paperwork with Secretary of Doom Sam L. Kemp when he was intercepted by new member of Team Raptor Force Tess “The Rocket” Putnam and TOD Crisis Specialist Leah “Gentle” Jensen.
Vader’s resignation was due to take effect July 26th until he was talked back from the brink. Vader lamented, “I was going to do this for the good of the galaxy…er, country. I was facing far too many frivolous ethics complaints from my political enemies (who will be force choked once TOD ’09 ends). Who are they to tell me about ethics? Isn’t it my right to choke incompetent assistants like a boss?”
He went on to say, “I felt the need for a higher calling. I’m talking about not just the TOD, but the TOHope. The Main Stream Media will never understand that it’s about the fights and the fighters and the fighting. It’s not about the ‘Gotcha’ ‘journalism’ of that snot rag, the ‘Daily Doom’”.
Putnam and Jensen were asked why they were so inclined to talk Vader out of his resignation. The Rocket answered that question with another question. “Who better represents the spirit of TOD than Darth Freakin’ Vader??? I couldn’t let that guy get away. Besides, that dude signs my check.”
Jensen added, “We need Darth around here. We all know he gets a bit whiny when he hasn’t had his nap, so I just had to remind him that he’s great at his job and if he were to leave, we’d be stuck with that ninny Captain America running the show. I think we all know what would happen to the violence level if he were top dog.”
Monday, July 6, 2009
A day after his resurrection via the Regeneration Machine, Shreds the Freakin’ Raptor sat down for an extensive interview with the Tournament of Doom News:
Q. Many TOD fans were shocked by your early exit. How do you account for your premature demise?
A. Honestly, I think my mistake was entering the ring with a large tank of nitroglycerine strapped to my back. If I had to do it all over again, I’d probably just go in with my talons.
Q. You seem more at peace this year after your defeat. Why?
A. I never like losing, but if I had to pick someone to lose to, there isn’t any more respectable way to go down than to a guy named Doom. He’s a class act. He has a huge future ahead of him.
Q. It took most of last week to re-gather all your pieces and throw them into the Regeneration Machine. Why was that?
A. I’m a pretty popular guy around here, and a lot of fans thought they could just keep my remains as souvenirs. Team Raptor Force did an outstanding job rounding me back up, and most fans were very understanding. The only problem we ran into was with a couple fellows named Karl and Nate. They had actually mounted my rib cage in the Olson Lounge and were using it as a hat rack, and wouldn’t give it back. TRF planned a full-on assault, but Barney took care of it himself. I have to hand it to ol’ Barnes: Those two jokers won’t be out of the hospital for the next four weeks. No city trip for them!
Q. What do you think of the passing of Michael Jackson?
A. A real legend, an outstanding entertainer the likes of which we’ll never see again. I’ll be wearing a sequined glove for the rest of the summer in his honor. Me and Michael were really close. I don’t know if you know this, but the song “Thriller” was written about me.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
RAPTOR SHREDDED: DOOM DOOMS THE DINO
Shreds the Freakin' Raptor took an early exit from this year's Tournament of Doom after encountering Doctor Doom last night in the TOD arena.
The fight itself lasted a mere two minutes. The Raptor blasted a path into the center of the arena with his flamethrower, expecting the find the evil dictator lurking around every corner. Doom, however, dashed around the side of the ring and ascended a beam behind the dinosaur. The Raptor's keen sense of smell detected his arrival, and Shreds unleashed a ferocious inferno in the direction of Doom.
Much to the Raptor's surprise, Doom emerged from the blaze and aimed a blaster at Shreds. The Freakin' Raptor attempted to sprint away, but Dr. Doom's blast struck the Raptor's backpack of gas and blew the dinosaur to pieces. Charred remains of Shreds the Freakin' Raptor plummeted into the surrounding bleachers.
Many fans were in utter shock. "I think Dr. Doom got lucky," said Kim Stonerook. "Had that shot missed, the Raptor would have ambushed him later in the fight and taken him out in hand-to-hand combat."
"He's my hero," said Stephanie Thorne. "He's taught me so much about life, about sabotage, about hunting big game animals. It's like someone's taken the 'Boom' out of the 'Ka-BOOM!!ening.' What fun is the 'Ka-ening?"
While the crowd was heavily pro-Raptor, many of the patrons who left the stadium wore Doctor Doom paraphanelia. "Let's face it, I'm just a fair weather fan," said Corey Hoffman as he exchanged his Raptor Fan Club wardrobe for an outfit demonstrating his fealty to Dr. Doom. "I have no principles or sense of loyalty," Hoffman said. "I remind myself of a pathetic little puppy with a horrible respritory disease. If I had a backbone it wouldn't be in my body. Some people say I'm shameless. They're right."
A stunned Team Raptor Force--temporarily under the leadership of Stitich--leapt into action immediately after the fight as fans began to abscond with the remains of the Raptor. "We need his body parts back for the regeneration machine," said Commander Kalyn Cody, who was charged with tracking down a hooligan in a sleeveless Iowa Hawkeyes shirt who made off with a couple talons. As of this printing, a terrorist outfit known as Team Fire Fight was selling one of the Freakin' Raptor's legs on eBay at a price that had surpassed $46,000,000.
"The Freakin' Raptor's more than worth the price," said Cody. "But I also want to beat up the jerk who ran off with the leg in the first place."
Monday, June 29, 2009
More Than Meets the Eye
It’s never been a better time to be a Transformer. This past weekend, the second film in their live-action series debuted at the top of the box office with over $100 million in receipts. And tonight, two of the stars of that show—Bumblebee and Starscream—will partake in second round bouts in the Tournament of Doom.
“I try not to let it go to my head,” said Bumblebee. The heroic Autobot was greasing up his gears in preparation for his fight with Night Owl II and Silk Spectre II of Watchmen. “When the hype gets to be too much, I like to take a long cruise down the back roads of America, where you find real Americans. They don’t look at me funny when I transform into a robot. About half of them keep their distance, and the other half approach me reverentially and worship me as a god. That’s a whole lot better than being chased by paparazzi all day.”
The diabolical Decepticon Starscream, however, seems to revel in the fame. We caught up with him in an exclusive club in Beverly Hills. “I’ve longed for the spotlight my whole life, and I’m glad to have it now while Megatron is out of the picture. It’s nice to finally get some recognition around here. I hung out with Tom Cruise over the weekend. Great guy. He took me to all the hot spots. Although, come to think of it, he may have been worshiping me as a god.”
The life of a famous robot is something few of us will ever relate to. Despite all the pressures that come with their fame, neither Transformer seemed ready to step entirely out of the spotlight. “I have my fans,” said Bumblebee, “and I don’t want to disappoint. Oh, would you excuse me. I just got a text from Megan Fox. She wants to know if we can catch a bite at Dan Tana’s.”
It just goes to show you that life as a famous robot is something few of us will ever relate to.
Friday, June 26, 2009
TOD ADJUSTS TO RECESSION
These are hard economic times throughout the world, and the Tournament of Doom is not immune from these financial difficulties. While the immense popularity of the competition still keeps it highly profitable, Tournament of Doom officials have made small cuts that help make sure its fiscal house is in order.
“The biggest change we made was in the area of security,” said Tournament of Doom co-chairman Darth Vader as he vacationed in Argentina. “We basically fired all the Stormtroopers we normally used to keep the crowd in order and replaced them with bobcats, who work for a much lower wage. We’ve had more instances of crowd violence this year, partly because the bobcats tend to tolerate more fighting amongst fans, but also because the bobcats tend to instigate more of the fights, especially when their natural prey flocks to watch a match. Turns out however that the bobcats have better aim than my Stormtroopers. Go figure.”
“I think we’ve cut down on some of our excesses,” said TOD co-chairman Captain America. “We sell chicken wings in the concession stands. Before we would only take one wing from a chicken. Now we take both. We also used to pay for competitor’s transportation to the tournament and their room and board. Now we told every competitor to find their own accommodations. Although this hasn’t pleased many area hoteliers—Merman’s been living in the Holiday Inn’s swimming pool for the past three weeks—it’s made a substantial dent in our budget.”
One area the Tournament of Doom is not skimping on is the Freakin’ Raptor’s allowance. “When he’s preparing for a fight, he’s pretty high maintenance,” said Jason Stonerook, a member of the Raptor’s entourage. “If he doesn’t have someone following him around with an air hockey table, a herd of terrified sheep, a jet ski, and a bowl of M&Ms with all the orange M&Ms removed, he’ll go bonkers, and the cost of the damage would exceed the cost of supplying him with these goods. He once ruined five weddings on a single night just because someone didn’t have a game of Yahtzee nearby.”
Even though the TOD is on fairly solid financial ground, they have still asked the federal government for a bailout and stimulus money. “Let’s face it,” admitted Captain America. “One of these days, we’re going to cause so much damage we’ll need all that extra money on hand to stay afloat. But I have to admit, the Raptor would still probably blow most of it on pixie sticks before that time comes."
Thursday, June 25, 2009
BATTLE OF THE BANDS
The Tournament of Doom’s bonus bracket took an unprecedented turn this year as TOD organizers assembled a battle of the bands. The event has proved resoundingly popular among TOD patrons, many of whom showed up under the assumption they were attending a summer rock festival.
Even those who came for the fights were unsure what to expect. “I thought the bands would just set up on opposite sides of the field and try to outplay each other,” said TOD fan Levi Best. “Little did I know that they would actually bludgeon each other with their guitars as they attempted to perform. It was pretty awesome.”
The final results were full of surprises. Many assumed Wu-Tang Clan would have no problem taking down Iron Maiden, but Iron Maiden’s mascot, Eddie, had a few tricks up his diabolical sleeve. “Trust me: Wu-Tang Clan knows kung-fu,” said TOD fan Tori Lagel. “Wu-Tang Clan ain’t nothin’ to mess with. But Wu-Tang Clan didn’t have Eddie, and that was all Iron Maiden needed. Eddie fought like the spawn of evil incarnate.”
Others were also surprised by Guns ‘N’ Roses’ victory. “If you’ve ever seen Black Flag in concert, you know half of their show is beating up members of the audience,” said TOD fan (and Raptor hater) Karl Kramer. “And Henry Rollins is buff. But Guns ‘N’ Roses simply outnumbered them. Slash was pretty rad, too.”
Led by Sid Vicious, the Sex Pistols made quick work of the Jonas Brothers and Tenacious D. TOD security needed to be brought into the arena during the fight to prevent the crowd from rioting. “Half the people in attendance were 12-year-old girls screaming for the Jonas Brothers,” said Best. “The other half wanted to personally rip out their hearts and force feed them to their fanatic following. It got pretty ugly.”
Plans are now in the works for a TOD summer concert series featuring all the bands. Ozzy Osbourne of Black Sabbath was more than ready to participate. “Nothing goes better with rock and roll than mindless metal violence, so the TOD and our music are a natural fit,” Osbourne said before biting the head off a rabid bat.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
FIGHT NIGHT RECAP
The opening round of Tournament of Doom VIII: The Ka-BOOM!!ening was chock full of close competitions and a fair share of blowouts. Here’s a quick rundown of some of the highlights:
A colony of army ants vs. the Joker: The Crown Prince of Crime was clearly a crowd favorite, but once the homicidal psychopath’s fight with these highly organized insects began, it quickly became apparent the fight was a little more even than expected. The ants quickly surrounded the Joker, armed only with a pistol, and soon covered him with their tiny bodies. Yet as they carried him away to their home base, a mysterious green gas enveloped the ants, and the Joker emerged from the haze disoriented but triumphant.
Sarah Palin vs. EVE: The former vice presidential candidate took to the air in a helicopter to snipe the newest member of Team Raptor Force out of the sky. EVE dodged the first shot and then trained her blaster on the aircraft. The Palin camp would probably label any further attempt to describe the fight as “Gotcha Journalism.”
Hellboy vs. the Animaniacs: This was probably the most even fight of the night, as the interdimensional Animaniacs took on the beast-man who defends Earth from interdimensional threats. After the Animaniacs unleashed a shower of anvils, Hellboy managed to slip through one of their portals. The crowd waited for over two hours for either competitor to re-emerge. Finally, Hellboy descended from the sky like a meteor and strode triumphantly to the winner’s circle with a hand band constructed out of the Animaniacs’ tails.
Samus vs. Emperor Palpatine: In the past, the Pikachu rule (“A character who shoots electricity will always defeat a character wearing metal,”) has always prevailed in TOD fights. That rule was broken last night, when Samus blasted Palpatine into the arena’s upper deck. Palpatine’s electric blasts proved too feeble to stop Samus, who now moves on from her fight with a Sith lord to challenge Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Psyduck vs. the Freakin’ Raptor: TOD hero Shreds the Freakin’ Raptor may have been a little too  overconfident when it came to his fight with the unassuming duck. Rather than move in quickly for the kill, the Raptor taunted his opponent, which only contributed to the agonizing headache Psyduck was already feeling from the unrelenting crowd noise. When he could finally take it no longer, Psyduck’s headache blast erupted and propelled the Raptor halfway across the arena. A stunned audience watched a dazed Raptor stagger back to his feet, switch on his flamethrower, and promptly march across the field, where he roasted the sitting duck in a blazing inferno. Shreds then took the bird’s smoking carcass and threw it into Nick Flood’s bed.
Steamroller Joyride
BOULDER, Colo. (AP) - Boulder police are looking for a man they said stole a city steamroller for a late-night joyride. Some Boulder residents were awakened at about 2 a.m. Tuesday by the rumbling of a steamroller down a neighborhood street. Witnesses told police they saw a man driving the steamroller before crashing it into a can and fleeing.
Both vehicles suffered minor damage, but no one was hurt. Boulder Police spokeswoman Sarah Huntley said witnesses couldn't agree on a description or approximate age of the driver. Officials haven't said how they think the steamroller was taken from the city's Public Works Department.
In an unrelated story, the Raptor was seen in a wearing a mustache boarding a plane in Boulder, Colorado.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Fight Night!
Nothing is better than opening night in the Tournament of Doom: Forty fights, ravenous crowds, unspeakable mayhem. Let’s preview some of the most anticipated matches:
The Missing Link vs. Alien: Coming on the heels of this spring’s Monsters vs. Aliens, (the TOD’s second official studio outing, following Alien vs. Predator,) this rematch pits two characters from the movie against…wait, what do you mean? This alien is from a different movie?
Sabretooth vs. a flying shark with lasers: Imagine if sharks could fly. Now imagine if those flying sharks had lasers. That’s what you would get with a flying shark with lasers. Is this fish out of water a fish out of water or an unstoppable weapon of destruction?
Samus vs. Emperor Palpatine: Will the Pikachu rule come into play here, or will Samus withstand the electrical onslaught of this Sith master?
The Battle of the Bands: Armed with axes and the unholy power of rock music, these fighters are prepared to bludgeon each other with a bit of heavy metal thunder. Are you ready to rock?
Check back tomorrow for up-to-the-minute results!
Monday, June 22, 2009
Team Raptor Force Adds Three New Members
The TOD’s elite fighting force Team Raptor Force recently added three new team members. “I felt like we needed more dynamism and awesomeness on the team,” the Freakin’ Raptor said as he casually lit neighborhood homes on fire with his brand new flamethrower. “Not that we’re not awesome already—whoa, look at that shed burn—it’s just that sometimes you want to not only beat your opponent but also kick ‘em when they’re down.”
The three team members joining the Freakin’ Raptor, Stitch, Chupacabra, Commander Kalyn Cody, and Barney on Team Raptor Force are:
EVE—“She’s a robot, and we don’t have one of those yet,” the Raptor said. “She’d be good in a fight with an out-of-control Decepticon, which I only assume can happen if Flood brainwashes one. She’s tiny but packs a lot of firepower. EVE fights Sarah Palin tomorrow. I can’t wait…”
Tess Putnam—“She’s so fast, we call her ‘The Rocket,’” the Raptor said. “And she’s crafty. She built these wonderful cardboard boats for all of us and then made coffee cups for each of us. She inscribed ‘Hot Stuff’ on mine.”
Miss Piggy—“The team really lacked a ninja commando/seductress,” the Raptor said. “So now Piggy’s on board. The only problem is that I have to put up with that stupid frog now.”
“The team’s really taken a shining to the new members,” Commander Cody reported. “During Team Raptor Force orientation week, Barney hugged them all, Stitch shared his love of Elvis with each of them, and Chupy gave each of them a rotting goat. It was sweet.”
Friday, June 19, 2009
TALK TO THE HAND
One of the most intriguing fighters in this year’s tournament is Master Hand, a boss-level villain from the Super Mario Universe. We sat down with him for a brief Q&A.
Q. So how are you feeling? Are you ready for your first fight?
A. [No verbal response. Replied with a thumbs up.]
Q. You’re a mysterious limb. Where are you from exactly?
A. [Again, no verbal response. Replied by pointing toward the southwest.]
Q. You’re a hot commodity around here. A lot of girls are wondering if you’re taken.
A. [Again, no verbal response. Held up an unadorned ring finger.]
Q. Rumor has it you’re dating Megan Fox.
A. [No verbal response. Shook fist at reporter.]
Q. Is it true you dumped Carrie Underwood for Ms. Fox?
A. [No verbal response. Flipped the reporter the bird.]
Q. I see that’s a sensitive subject. Let’s switch topics. TMZ recently spotted you receiving a manicure in downtown—
A. [Reporter suddenly slapped across three counties.]
Thursday, June 18, 2009
JACOBS AND LULOFF READY FOR THE WIGGUMS
 The world will finally see what Sarah Jacobs and Samantha Luloff are made of when they step into the ring next week against Chief Wiggum and his son Ralph in what should be an intense first round fight.
Jacobs and Luloff have been training for a little under a year for this moment. “I think we’re ready,” Luloff said. “Sarah and I breezed through a platoon of stormtroopers last night in our last training session before our fight. That’s like twenty stormtroopers. The Wiggums are definitely doomed.”
Sarah did not hesitate to share their strategy. “We’ve got two destroyer droids helping us. They’ll lay down some cover fire and then we’ll move in for the kill. If you’re looking for a job in law enforcement, I think Springfield will have an opening in the near future.”
When asked if Ralph Wiggum would be armed for the fight, TOD councilmember Jason Stonerook responded quickly. “No…no wait, I take that back. He can have a gun. In fact, he can have a gun, twenty laser blasters, a cannon, and the Death Star. Anything he wants.”
When Ralph was asked if he knew how to operate a Death Star, he replied, “My cat’s breath smells like cat food.”
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
THE FIRST FIGHT
The first fight of the Tournament of Doom has been finished. It was a long, gruelling fight between Aquaman, aided by 24 sea otters, and Tarzan, helped by three gorillas.
 The sea otters were not a factor in the fight at all. They did manage to bite and slow down the gorillas a little, but they were quickly dispatched. Aquaman was able to take out one of the wounded gorillas. Using the Trident of Poseidon, Aquaman was able to skewer another gorilla, but the third pummeled him unmercifully, and Tarzan attacked with equal vigor. Aquaman's superior strength allowed him to overcome the gorilla, which left only Tarzan.
Tarzan had heard that Aquaman could only survive outside of the water for an hour so he led the King of Atlantis on a tiresome chase through the junk-littered field. Aquaman was smashed several old refridgerators, moldy cabinets, and the rusted out hulk of a '57 Chevy, but Tarzan was able to dodge Aquaman quite effectively.
The battle ended after an hour and a quarter when Tarzan percieved Aquaman was slowing down. It was a feint. Tarzan charged forward, knife extended, intending to slip the blade between Aquaman's ribs. Aquaman shifted just a little, and Tarzan struck a rib instead. The density of Aquaman's skin and bone stopped the blade dead.
In the moment of confusion, Aquaman was able to grab the ape-man, and that was all there was to it. Aquaman won, which puts him into place to battle Charizard next.
TOD NUTS FOR SQUIRRELZILLA!!
Few know where she came from, but the TOD is buzzing about this year’s biggest contestant, Squirrelzilla!!
Squirrelzilla!! looks like any normal squirrel you might find on the Luther College campus, but this particular  rodent is roughly four stories tall. Squirrelzilla!!’s parents, Virgil and Martha Squirrelzilla!!, claim it was their daughter’s healthy diet and avoidance of fast food that led to her growth spurt.
Others in the TOD community think there is something else to credit for Squirrelzilla’s freakish height. “I saw a squirrel eating an ice cream cone on top of a glowing trash receptacle near the CAF the other day,” remarked Josh Dohmen. “After it ran away, I looked inside the receptacle to see what was in there. It was either some kind of greenish-blue radioactive material or someone’s discarded slushie. It tasted all right.” Asked how he felt after ingesting the material, Dohmen said he couldn’t remember. “I’ve been unconsci
          
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